I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
