Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
