I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
50% drunk capacity currently
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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