can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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