I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
