Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
