Who wears a wallet chain?!
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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