Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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