Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
