K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
