R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
