Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
