I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
