I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
