Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
