i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
