I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
