I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
