If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
