He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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