May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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