Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
