I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
