I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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