I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
