So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
