Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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