I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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