There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
