I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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