Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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