Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
