She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
