Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
