dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
