Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
