dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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