i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
