New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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