He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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