I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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