wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
