She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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