you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
