Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
