I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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