I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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