The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
