Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
