I'm really into asian looking animals
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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